OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
HOW DARE YOU
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors