I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
That was easy.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.