I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
This is amazing.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.