Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
the greatest twitter interaction
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do