Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
the three branches of government
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction