normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
You Might Also Like
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
(Jupiter –
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.