[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Who chose this font
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*