Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.