Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
TRAIN’S HERE
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.