“You’d better run, egg!”
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.