When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.