It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I hate my earbuds.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller