*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop