me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
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My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs