Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook