1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
mom gave me mine for free
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
what’s really going on