When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall