The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
prepare for carbonated trouble
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
cause of death:
autopsy.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.