It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
TRAIN’S HERE
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes