I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
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Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.