The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
You Might Also Like
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.