To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
You Might Also Like
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Always the camel, never the toe.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
In banana years, I am bread.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.