I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Overindulged this afternoon.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Just had my nails done!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket