Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
found my next D&D character name
I am having an out of money experience.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?