I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
do horses think humans are hats
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!