A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Has there ever been a more American story?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”