May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
dads on road-trips be like
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook