My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.