receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
😍😂🥰😂😍
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
hmm conte-me mais
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket