There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I put the h in mysterious.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I bet
Cake safety first. Always.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”