Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.