Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
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Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.