I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
What even happened today?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.