[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You Might Also Like
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!