9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES