Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!