I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I am crying
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah