My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The struggle is real.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂