If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
#ProTip
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer