If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Florida man
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud