Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Banderslack Clamberdorch
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Ummm
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.