my favorite genre of twitter
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I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?