My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
okay run it by me one more time