Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
October already? What’s next? November????
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.