Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
According to math, I’m broke
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Alexa: *deep breath*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)