3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!