Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
How I like cutting carbs
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Children of the corn 🌽
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?