You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
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WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.