Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Sign at work today
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
road rage
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.