You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Welcome
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe